Taking the S-Bahn Home

A lot has changed since the last time I opened these pages to append new words, or repeat the old ones. Some things remained as well. I feel like I am pulled from one side by the freedom that the big changes bring, and protectively from the other side by the resident habits and mindsets of the times before. One second, I am a changed man, for the better, in general. Another second, I am the same old yellowish leaf that has to wait for the Fall to blend in once again. I either move between the two extremes too frequently or cannot muster the courage to step far enough away from an invisible border, a threshold that holds parts of me nailed to the ground; unchanged, unspoilt, heavy.

I do not regard my attraction to my comfort zone as purely a weight that holds me back. It keeps me safe and happy. But it is also a fact that I was not expecting my current life to resemble the one I led 2 months ago this much. Apparently, I packed in my luggage more than the 20 kg allowance of my basic persistent life supplies that the cheap airway company generously sells to its customers. I must have taken from home my restraint to discipline me around people, my insecurities to look after myself in my room, and my indifference to shade me from emotions. Maybe I should’ve taken more money too. That way, I could travel more, and take the S-Bahn to Alexanderplatz instead of home, where everything familiar waits for me.