The leaking pen it is, once more. Mayhaps it will help beauty flow with it as well or will it blend with chaos and turn into a mess? That would make sense, for what I have on these pages must reflect what I have underneath my skull.

I have some people underneath my skull. They touch different memories, bringing them to my attention, and draw sketches of unlikely futures. Sometimes, I see weird dreams because of these. But I love them, I wish they were here.

Well, they were here, to be honest. Not here exactly, but it was the here of a different time, and nothing happened. Maybe I didn’t know how to make use of their companionship. All I know is that I miss the past and slightly regret the present, the present pertaining to the people in my head that is.

I have thoughts as well, however unlikely. These thoughts originate from a vast space of a multi-dimensional set of spectrums relating to madness, judgement, basic life happenings, education, social life, skills and so on… They dig around, some run. Hell, there are even some flying in the sky like wraiths. Of course this is a metaphor that refers to my mindspace as if it was a planetary environment. Or, is that an analogy? There might even be a more appropriate term, Whatever it is, I don’t know and I am too distracted by my demons to learn about it.

If you dig deep enough inside my skull, you may also find a hidden treasure! It is all of my many versions of indifferences combined in a single orb. It lets me stay confident outside, overcome obstacles and adapt to changes. But, and this is a big, contrastive but, it also means that most of the time I litterally cannot care less about my “responsibilities”, especially so when the accountability is towards myself again. I stopped trying to understand this. I’m just trying to manage and beat it. That, however, is also another issue.

I lack underneath my skull effort. This is new to me. Well, I’ve probably had this for a few years now but I did not acknowledge its persistence before. It was always just a “phase” and I was just “too tired” and “overwhelmed”. Thus, all I needed was “some rest”.

This is a new reality. It might be a change in how my mind works, I don’t know. But I have to learn about it and develop new ways to function. Otherwise, I will just keep on remembering that I used to be good at many things and hope that one day, I would be well-rested enough to return to my original self. There is no long lost original self. It is me. I am changed now. And my ways should change too.

I did miss the giant ink stain on my finger. I feel accomplished.