He had expectations. Each one of them was viciously rendered unreal. One would name it a defeat, but a defeat is a battle’s consequence. He actually never fought a battle, therefore never tasted defeat. A lengthy corrosion would be a more proper description of what took place. But what was it that he expected so genuinely with his heart that he lost all of his confidence? Let me tell you the story.

He was a young man who was about to encounter a big change in his life. He was clever and he outgrew his family. He were to leave his house, and start anew. He would study what he loved with passion, with people who felt more or less the same. He would, in his dreams, develop a new personality better than the one before and he would be able to prolong his passion for science, have relationships with other people, plan ahead and draw a career path, learn how to be a functioning adult and find a home for his new soul.

He wanted to leave because his home was not in his house. He didn’t feel like it. Somehow, his home should be somewhere else, with habits that feel homely and with neighbours who are always welcome inside. Noise was supposed to be as far away as possible so that no one could be disturbed. He was prepared to build the home by himself if needs were. At least he thought so.

A few years passed now since that life-changing moment. But the house he left behind is not so far away after all. In fact, it is always reachable. The new life also doesn’t reflect the idealised expectations whatsoever. Maybe, he thinks now, I wasn’t homeless before. But maybe, he adds later, I am not homeless now too. Whatever home is, it is less distinguishable than it should be, probably.

He has friends, does well in his studies, is valued in work environments and his life is actually good if he thinks about it. But the noise is there. The noise is stuck to him like blood-sucking parasites, draining his enthusiasm but leaving just enough for him to keep going. Perhaps, he thinks, the noise is within me. If that’s the case, he can never escape it by going to one place after another. He will have to face the situation and solve problems. It is easy for him to help and give advice to others, people whom he values. Yet, when it comes to himself, everything becomes disproportionately more difficult, as in impossible, as in however much he wants and tries, he never wants and tries hard enough. I think he lost his inner peace and trying to find it outside. He, by the way, still feels like there is a foreseeable future in which he shares a home with a healthy family inside.