Upon returning to my dorm after a complicated day, I made it to the night. I am still alive and about to go to bed. I will lay there for a disturbingly long while only to forcefully end a day and start a new one.

Do not let the word “new” fool you, reader. Not much will differ between the two and my end state will be the same.

Should I call it a cycle? A loop, maybe? A series of habits? No matter what, it is surely invincible and through no fault of anyone’s own other than the good old me.

Before you start to judge my self-esteem and advise me to obtain a healthier view of myself, let me explain briefly, but not briefly enough, only to keep you at a similar ambiguous state as mine.

I do want to break the cycle, get rid of my unwanted ties to build better ones. After all, what are we humans if not constructors of improvement? But there are also ones that are good to keep. The problem is that these are bound to the ugly ones and I see no way of changing a thing without doing away with everything altogether.

This, dear reader, might be the “break” that I crave for—may as well be something else. Furthermore, even if I do it, there is no guarantee that what awaits me, rather, what I build myself anew, will be better than what I have now.

From time to time, I dream, disrespectfully to reality. In some, I am successful. In some, I am happy. In some, I am loved. Mostly though, I do not hesitate.

Confusion.
Loneliness.
Stress.
Disbelief.

I miss the brief period of time when I would draw myself inside a book for hours, and everyhting in the outside world would shine bright.

I would also like to have a companion. The need to love and be loved is an influencial necessity.

The title of this text pertains to my applications for graduate study. I don’t know what I’m doing. But let’s be honest, are you even surprised?